It Would Be Scary…

It would be pretty scary if John McCain became president. John McCain has kept mostly quiet up until recently, most likely planning his campaign run and his strategy for taking down Obama while Obama and Hillary battled it out for the democratic nomination. Now that the the presidential race is fully underway, McCain has shown that he is not above putting out nasty messages about Obama and his policies and beliefs. I have no doubt that we will see more attacks on Obama’s character coming from McCain’s side throughout the election. It is as if the old man was just waiting for the right time to begin his full on assault and pounce on and do as much damage to Obama’s character as he can. It is a scary side of McCain that was bound to come out sooner or later. I mean look at the guy, he definitely looks like the villain between the two candidates.

Speaking of McCain being old however, this is one of the scariest things about him potentially leading our nation. It is natural that as people begin to reach their 60’s and 70’s, they lose the ability to function at 100% both physically and mentally. The memory deteriorates, rationale goes out the window and the body just can’t do what it once could. These all factor into what could be a crazy and scary presidential term for McCain if he is to win this election. Imagine McCain trying to strengthen foreign relations and forgetting foreign leaders’ names when meeting them or forgetting which were allies and which were not. I have this funny image in my mind of McCain chasing young hoodlums off of the white house front lawn just like an honory old man. Of course this would never happen, but think of what COULD happen. McCain’s age is definitely a factor in this presidential race. It is not a big deal when an average Joe like you or me forgets something, but when it is the president, that is a completely different story.

The scariest thing about McCain as president however I think is that he would be out of touch with a large chunk of Americans. At 71 years old, he may not even know what a blackberry or an ipod is. McCain will be making decisions that will have a huge affect on the lives of millions of young adults that he likely does not understand. Will McCain be able to put things into perspective and listen to the young people of our nation in order to make decisions in their best interest? It is hard to say, but I know the thought of it scares me a lot. It may help him slightly with his new VP running mate Sarah Palin however. Being that she is younger and more likely to be in touch with the younger generation (she has a 17 year old daughter… err, let me rephrase that. A PREGNANT 17 year old daughter), this bodes well for McCain. Not to mention Palin reminds me of a sexy librarian and I am sure I am not the only one. Giggity giggity.

The one real advantage McCain’s age does give him however, is experience. There is a lot to be said for personal experience and it is not something that can be learned. McCain has quite a bit more experience than his democratic opponent Barack Obama. It is something gained over time and hopefully if McCAin is elected, it will be enough to make his presidency not so scary.

Vern Troyer… I have to admit the first time I ever saw Vern Troyer, I just thought he was hilarious and a welcome addition to the Austin Powers movie franchise. However, since then my views have drastically changed of him. It all started with a stint of Vern Troyer’s on the not so flattering television show, The Surreal Life. As most people know, The Surreal Life placed a number of washed up celebrities in a house together for a month or so. Of course… hilarity ensued, or in Vern Troyer’s case, Scilarity.

Vern Troyer was just a very strange little man on a couple of the episodes I happened to catch… regretfully. I remember one such episode that found Vern Troyer rolling around in his electric wheelchair butt naked and drunk as a skunk. He didn’t seem to comprehend what the hell was going on, nor did he care that a camera crew was videotaping all of this. Now besides how creepily small he is, this made him especially creepy and scary to me. Perhaps it makes a little more sense now however that Vern Troyer did not seem to mind being naked on camera since just a month or two ago, rumors of a Vern Troyer sex tape were abound. Scary anyone? There was even a clip from it floating around of him swapping spit with his partner that could give any sane man nightmares. For your own good, don’t look for it.

But it appears that showing the world his scary self is just what Very Troyer was meant to do. Just a couple of days ago, it was announced that Very Troyer would have his own reality show that has already begun taping. What horrors will Vern have in store for America next? Personally, I think I will stick with Little People, Big World. I have a feeling they will provide me with a little more inspiration and entertainment than Vern Troyer ever will.

There are many obvious reasons why it would be scary if Barack Obama were to become president. One of the biggest reasons is that America would be venturing into unknown territory. Think of how important it was when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a public bus or when Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in major league baseball. These events shaped and inspired the years to come for us all. Now we may just have our first black president in Barack Obama. Compare this to sitting on a bus or playing in the majors and you will understand just how scary this could be if people are not willing to accept this huge change.

I do not mean to say that it will be scary in a bad way. It could be scary in a good way as well. The fact is that change is often times scary and change of this proportion and of this importance is impossible not to be scary. Heck, it is already scary every 4 years when we change leaders in this country. Now that race has been thrown into the mix, the ante has been upped. Truth be told, many people will not be ready for a black president (yeah, im talking to you deep south). They will reject it even and spew forth hate and discontent. It would present a huge challenge for Barack. But I believe that if Barack Obama handles his critics and haters right, that he could enact a profound change in people. Perhaps, he could have the biggest impact that any African American has ever had on this country. If he is elected, he will have 4 years to do just that. Being that this is not exactly a stable time for this country, his plate would be quite full.

Perhaps however, things will go completely wrong. Perhaps America is just not quite ready for, nor will they accept an African American president. This is where things could get the scariest. Perhaps the African American community would not even accept Barack Obama because they think that he is acting too white. Or on the flip side, white america may not fully accept Barack Obama because he is acting too black. It is the stereotypes, ignorance and inability to accept change that could make a Barack Obama presidency a truly scary presidency. In the end of things, it will take a huge effort and change in thinking by America for Barack Obama to become a successful president of the united states. It will also take tremendous will power, resolve and dedication from Barack Obama to do what is necessary and right during his presidency. If one side or the other does not make the effort for change, I predict we shall see a very scary 4 years if Barack Obama is elected president.

But I do hope that America IS indeed ready for a change of this magnitude and that Barack Obama is up to the challenge to lead our great country for what would be his ensuing 4 years as president.

A long island man died in a freak accident while fishing at Jones Beach.  This is definitely one of the strangest deaths I have heard of in a while.  We have all heard about people hooking themselves with a fishing line in the eye or lip or anywhere else, but at the worst it results in a trip to the hospital.

From the story, this man’s line snapped when he casted and recoiled back.  There was a 3 ounce sinker on the line that came back with such extreme force that it hit him in the eye and went all the way to his brain.  Massive bleeding ensued and he was pronounced dead of brain surgery.

To me this is just crazy and scary that such freak accidents can happen… and they can happen to anybody, anytime, doing anything.

If there is a moral of this story, I would say that it is people don’t kill people, crazy flying fish weights kill people…  in freak accidents… so BEWARE!

In the 1960s, scientists predicted that we’d be living in colonies on the moon by the 90s. Obviously, that didn’t happen. However, at one time, the American public was quite excited about the thought of zipping over to the moon, along our toasters and puppies, and setting up camp among the craters. Everyone still seems to think this would be a great idea except for me.

Stop for a minute to consider the ramifications of living on the moon. First of all, we’d have to go over there in huge rockets that would probably cost a million dollars to board. You’d pay all that money, arrive on the moon after a few light years of traveling, and then realize you forgot your keys, or some other random object. D’oh! You’re screwed.

A lot of people also like to forget that the moon does not have as much gravitational pull as the Earth. That means you’d pretty much have to chase your hot dog through the air in order to eat it for lunch, lest it fly off into space unexpectedly. And less glamorously, when you went to the bathroom, pee would be everywhere. We’d likely be forced to excrete our waste into little plastic baggies. And forget about going outside to take a leisurely walk - you’d be halfway to Jupiter by the time anyone realized you were gone.

Obviously, living on colonies on the moon is not a good idea, at least until we get some pretty bitchin’ technology developed. If we do ever start living on colonies on the moon, please just take a moment to consider how freaky it would be before renting out that 2400 square foot crater. It won’t be as fun as you think.

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Back when I was in elementary school, my family took an annual vacation to my grandparents’ house in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Being that my dad has 6 brothers and sisters, my grandparents’ house was quite large and included a sweeping upstairs loft, large dining and kitchen area, and huge basement that ran along the entire foundation of the house.

During the day, my cousins and I would play games like House and School in the basement, having plenty of fun in our make believe world. However, we always remained acutely aware of the terror lurking on the other side of the room. You see, the basement was separated in half by a curtain that marked the division between the “living” space and the “storage” space. The storage space was, of course, where all the monsters and killers lived, just waiting for a ball to roll on their side of the curtain so that they could suck our brains out.

I think that most children have a healthy fear of their grandparents’ basement. If it isn’t the dank, spidery corners, it’s the pungent aroma of mothballs, or the creepy porcelain dolls lying around with their fingers broken off. When it comes to grandparents’ basements, not knowing what’s in there can be just as scary as knowing what’s in there. That’s because in the catacombs of elderly relatives’ basements, there are always plenty of scary beings lurking, both real and imagined.

One thing is certain: no matter how scary your grandparents’ basement may be, just don’t make the mistake of asking Grandma where all that crap came from. You’ll be subjected to an entire afternoon of “when I was a little girl” stories, which is truly the most frightening thought of all.

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We all remember mediocre actor Dustin Diamond from the hit 90’s show Saved By The Bell. However, if you happened to be living in a cave throughout the majority of that decade, we’ll give you a short synopsis: in this after-school high school special, Diamond played a geeky sidekick named Screech, who had delightfully curly hair and a bag full of colorful facial expressions. We all remember Screech as being hopelessly in love with Lisa, and constantly donning dorky clown pants, suspenders, converse sneakers.

Fast forward to the present, where Diamond makes the fateful decision to star on the hit VH1 reality show Celebrity Fit Club. This is in the wake of a creepy sex tape scandal, which shocked the nation by demonstrating just how low Diamond would go to be in the spotlight again. Diamond’s appearance on Celebrity Fit Club was just as bad as the sex tape scandal - unnatural, uncomfortable, and just plain weird.

On Celebrity Fit Club, the nation watched in horror as the now-plump Diamond lashed out at his teammates, pissed off the judges, and continually flipped off the camera. As threats of legal action loomed from the Diamond camp, viewers started to become quite scared by the former jokester’s new personality. What the hell happened to this guy? Why is he so vicious and hateful?

I think this whole situation goes to prove that child actors should never be forced into accepting humiliating and career-ending roles. Watching Saved by the Bell was always a slightly uneasy experience, as the audience was forced to witness Diamond degrade himself to the level of cheesy laugh-track humor. Clearly, Diamond has been scarred by his Screech days and is now a very scary, twisted man. I have a strange feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Dustin Diamond.

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1) Shrimp
The first time I saw a picture of a live, swimming shrimp, I almost puked. Do you really want to eat an organism that looks like a cross between a fish and a spider?

2) Chicken Wings
No matter how careful I am, I always seem to end up with some kind of bone or ligament in my mouth. Eating chicken wings just feels slightly cannibalistic to me.

3) Cabbage
Cabbage is absolutely impossible to digest, making me fearful of what, exactly, it is made of. I’ve heard stories of people clearing the room with the “natural gases” released from their bodies while on cabbage soup diets, so this food is nothing to mess around with.

4) Beets
Don’t eat these unless you’re ready to be totally freaked out by the color of your poop for the next two days. Seriously.

5) Dairy Products
Okay, all dairy products are produced with fluids originally excreted by a cow. No thanks!

6) Squash
I’ve always been perplexed by squash. I could never figure out why it was squishy…and stringy…and also tasted like twigs.

7) Maple Syrup
Remember when you were little, and you were playing hide and seek behind Grandpa’s old maple tree? By the end of the day, you always had a ton of sticky goo all over your hands that wouldn’t come off. I’ve learned to just stay away.

8. Hot Dogs
I have never heard a conclusive answer to the question “What are hot dogs made of?” All I know is they are made of a bunch of ground up crap all squeezed into some sausage casing…creepy.

9) Jell-o
This gelatinous substance is apparently formed from sugar and water. But how does it stick together? And how come you can eat it and eat it and never get full?

10) Carrot Cake
Wait a second, a dessert made out of a…vegetable? Be afraid, be very afraid.

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When I was just a young’in, my elementary school would take us on a trip to Starr’s Cave Nature Preserve Area at the end of each year. This was meant to be a fun outing, in which we were lead through historic Starr’s Cave by an experienced nature guide. I remember tunneling my way through the long cave with just a flashlight to light my way, and sometimes having to crawl on my stomach because the tunnel was so small. At the end of the cave, we would reach a small space called The Devil’s Kitchen and then turn around and head back out.

I always thought this was fairly normal behavior. Then I grew up, and developed an acute sense of claustrophobia. Air planes, bathrooms, you name it - anything small and enclosed pretty much terrifies me. That’s why, when I recently returned to Starr’s Cave to check out the “natural beauty,” I was completely and utterly terrified. I couldn’t even bring myself to walk into the mouth of the cave, for fear that I would be sucked inside it and left to rot.

However, I think this is a normal fear, even for people that are not claustrophobic. Something about the craggy outcroppings and dank quarters just seems to creep people out. Not to mention the liquids dripping from the top of the cave, which you’re never sure are rainwater or bat droppings. And the bats, oh the bats! Flying mice that sink their teeth into your skull at the first chance they get!

Yes, I think it’s safe to say that caves are pretty much one of the scariest things out there. Whenever I see a cave, I always wonder how many skeleton bits are scattered throughout its enclaves. I’ll bet it’s a lot.

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I know I don’t have to go into much detail to explain why this would be scary, but I will anyway, cause what’s more fun than talking about widespread public nudity? This is a possibility I’ve actually bounced around in my head quite a bit, especially in the days when I was young enough to believe it might really happen someday.

There two very obvious, and very terrifying, consequences of the legalization of public nudity (and this is assuming that nudity is legal AND becomes the norm). First of all, you’d have to see your relatives naked. Oh my God, the horror! That is just way too much information about the private parts of people that you have NO INTEREST in learning about.

Second, old people would be walking around naked. Now, it’s very important to be respectful and kind to the elderly, but I think we can all agree that it is a FACT that old people are gross, not a subjective opinion. Small children would likely be quite horrified by the somber truth of what their bodies are destined to become if they were exposed to elderly public nudity. Why would we want to rob them of their innocence and crush their dreams so early on in life?

And that’s not even to mention the health risks we would be exposed to as a result of widespread nakedness. I mean, naked seamstresses? Naked valet services? Naked CHEFS?! It’s too frightening to even consider. Thank goodness public nudity will hopefully never, ever, ever be allowed, or else we’re going to have some serious issues to deal with. And I’ll probably have to move to Canada.

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